Live

If we fear what lies beyond where the sidewalk ends, then how do yo live... it is here that you make your own path.

The Man That Did Call

I climbed out of bed and walked down the hall,
I turned on the light as I heard someone call;
"I wouldn't look into that thing on the wall, it's full of pictures...
they're big and they're small."
So I shut off the light and retraced my steps toward
the man that did call,
hoping there would be nothing there in case I should fall.
As I rounded the corner,
I saw a small man carrying a large haul.
I asked him; "what is wrong with those images I almost saw,
coming from that mirror on the wall?"
He said: "while beauty is captivating, it is most
certainly our most dangerous flaw."

Material

I hate to inform you,
but only material things can be replaced with an exact copy...
Things that aren't material have to be repaired the old fashioned way,
from the inside out.

Sleep Writing

Being very far away,

Is harder than I say.

Just keep in your head,

As you lay in a foreign bed,

We will always be here,

Whether you are far or near.

Walk tall, walk proud,

Never fear an oncoming crowd.

You have brains in your head and shoes on your feet,

Remember that this is no easy feat.

And though you feel weary,

I will always send you cheery.

We are not friends, so let that rest,

Being family is better than best.

One day we will gather,

And talk of things that matter.

So for now I say goodbye,

But soon it will be “O Hi”!!

Find

I take a deep breath as I try to calm my racing heart.

I see the sun has dipped below the trees,

And I find myself alone… again.

Every passing car I pray is you.

Every rustling leaf flashes your face in my mind.

As the night grows stronger, I realize you’re not coming.

I wonder,

Why have you not come for me?

I wonder,

Do you not speak my name?

Does your heart not question that emptiness within?

Or does is not feel it at all?

I guess though, this place is not unknown…

It has a familiarity of loneliness to it.

The question is…

Do I sit and wait, for you to come find me…

Like some prince charming?

No, I have my doubts of you being some prince charming…

You slaying dragons or climbing towers,

Does not seem logical to me…

So I guess it will come down to me…

Fighting to find you…?

I remember that feeling… of not feeling

I remember the day when I lost it all.

I remember not feeling,

Yet knowing exactly how it feels when your heart breaks.

I remember that feeling… of not feeling.

I remember hearing those words.

Those words that caused my heart to break.

I remember not being given a choice.

I remember watching my dreams, being ripped from my hands.

I remember my world spinning out of control.

And then I remember the feeling of my heart breaking.

I remembered my heart.

My heart that is strong, resilient, brave, happy, stubborn, grateful…

But mostly full of life.

And because of my heart, I refused to let you take it all.

And because of God’s good grace, he helped me back on my feet.

He gave me a second chance.

And with this second chance, I promise I will not let you down.

I am not perfect.

I am not even great.

I am just ok…

All I can do is be grateful, and work hard.

I will forever know that feeling of not feeling.

I will never forget what it felt like when my heart broke.

I will never forget, because I feel.

Because I refused to let you take my heart away.

I am here because I was given a second chance.

This second chance to share what gives me life,

What moves my soul.

All because I feel.

Let Me Be...

You held my hand,

You promised you’d never let go.

You looked me straight in the eye

And told me you loved me.

You were there when I needed you most.

When the world walked out,

You somehow snuck back in.

You became my security and I finally felt safe.

You filled this gap inside of me…

I finally felt whole.

Yet for some reason, you never

Found it in yourself to support my dreams.

When it was my turn to look you in the eyes…

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t, because my love for you was not the same.

And then one day you told me you were leaving.

I still don’t agree with what you’ve chosen,

Simply because your decision came from your boredom.

But I let you go, without words.

You asked if I’d still be here,

I asked you to leave me be…

Why can’t you please just listen!?!

I cannot handle my head and heart running…

Running at full speed in opposite directions.

I’m asking that if you truly love me,

Then please just let me be!!

Call Me Stupid...!?!

Call Me Stupid…!?!

While I know I should be studying, I really felt the need to write the thoughts in my head down… It’s Saturday and I woke up wondering why I had to get up and then I realized, It’s Saturday and I have to get up because I get to go to rehearsal and dance!! Even though I know that rehearsal will kick my butt and the dance is a challenge for me, I LOVE that I was given the chance to learn something new!!

Many years ago my third grade teacher was seriously frustrated with me, because math has and always will be difficult for me, and she asked “how are you so stupid!?!”. While I eventually figured out multiplication, that will forever stick in my head. And for many years that made me angry, I feel that I should tell her, thank you… Because one day I realized that this will be what I use as my motivation in life.

I am where I am today, because I am determined to prove to everyone they were wrong about me. I was able to pack up my life and move to a new state, to a new city where I don’t know anyone… because I am confident that I can do this. I was very blessed with some teachers who refused to let me give up and helped me to understand the importance of my hard work. And most of all to be grateful for every opportunity anyone is willing to give me.

I will be the first one to tell you, that I am far from being the best or the smartest. But I am more than okay with that, because I know that I will ALWAYS have something new to work towards and learn. So even though I may be tired, I will always willingly get up to dance any day of the week, no matter how much it challenges me… because I am and will always be determined to prove any and everyone wrong. Call me stupid, that’s fine cause I’ll just wave my college degree in your face!!

It Only Makes Things Harder

In anger the thoughts in our

Head should not be let out.

In anger it is too hard to

Think before we say.

Because once it’s said,

There is NO taking it back!!

In anger we lose what is

Most important to us.

In anger we forget

About how our heart

Beats life into us,

The life that you feel

When you are happy.

In anger we become selfish.

We forget to understand

The other side.

In anger we lose

Control of who we are,

And become something

Un-natural.

In anger we destroy

What was so good.

I must choose to not be

Angry with you, and

Just pray that you

Will choose to come

Back into my life!?!

I Hate That You Traded Me

I Hate That YOU Traded Me

I hate how easily you

Forget about our friendship.

I hate how you just assume

That I have moved on, to bigger

And better things.

I hate how little

you actually know me.

I hate that I considered

You family, all of you…

I hate that you ended

Up being exactly like

My family.

I hate how you

Gave up on me.

I hate how YOU

Walked away from me.

I hate and I should

NOT hate…

And yet I still hate, I

Hate how it wasn’t life

That tore us apart…

I hate that it was YOU.

I hate that it was ME…

I hate that I honestly don’t

Know what I did wrong.

I’m sorry, but I am

Who I am…

Overbearing, ocd, awkward,

Sad, sarcastic, I don’t often

Think before I speak, etc…

But I have ALWAYS been

There for you!!

When you were sad,

I did my best to be the friend

To put a smile on your face.

When you hurt, I tried to be

The friend with a shoulder

To cry on.

Who knows maybe I shouldn’t

Have tried so hard…?

I hate that our friendship

Actually means nothing to you.

I hate that I am not stronger,

I hate that I cannot just

Move on with my life.

I hate that you

Traded me.

But most of all…

I hate how much I fear this.

And I hate how much you

Make me fear making a new friend.

I Anger

I anger so easily,

Because I feel that I have lost you.

I anger because

YOU said the distance wouldn’t

Change the friendship we had.

I anger so easily

Because I miss you!

I anger because I’m scared.

Because anyone I’ve ever

Let into my heart has turned

And walked away.

I anger so easily

Because I let you inside these walls,

These walls I worked so tirelessly to build.

I anger because you have proven to

Be just like the rest of them.

I anger because

I do NOT trust easily.

I anger because

I fear rejection above all the rest.

I anger so easily

Because you, like them rejected me.

I anger you

Because I know I am not good enough

For you.

I anger, I anger, I anger

Because every time

I let anyone in, I see them

Turn and walk away.

I anger because I lose

The progress I made while

I thought you were my friend.

I anger because I’ve gone

Back t my ways of hiding

This anger and this fear.

Just when I thought I was

A better person, I slipped

Back into these old ways.

But don’t worry because

This anger won’t let you in again.

The process of getting there is more important than being there... If you cut corners now, will you ever be satisfied with where you end!?!

Lonely But Safe

The years we’ve spent together

The ups and the downs we’ve seen each other through.

I honestly believed I’d never lose you.

You promised me it wouldn’t happen

And like an idiot… I actually believed you!?!

I know your life is better than mine, I know you’re happy,

I know you’ve moved on.

I know you don’t spend your days worrying.

I trusted you; I even opened my heart and broke down walls for you.

I know you’ll never understand me, or the things I may do.

I sit here quietly as I watch you live your life.

I see the happiness you’ve encountered.

I must admit I am quite jealous of you.

I feel as if I weep for me,

Because of this envy I have of you.

I guess this shouldn’t surprise me…

I’ve spent my life watching people walk away from me.

I’ve always known the lonely life,

I had just thought I had overcome this self destruction…

I wish you the best of luck as I retreat back into myself,

Where I know it is safe…

But here I know that no one will leave me!!

Fear

I’ve never been one to be left alone,

What is normally locked up inside my head

Can manifest itself in my surroundings.

I promised myself I’d never be like you…

In fact I promised myself that, because

We watched the bottom fall out and you asked

Me to never be like any of you.

I never knew back then, how hard that would be…

I find myself having to fight it on a daily basis,

It becomes difficult to pull my tired bones out of bed,

Because I miss you and what you bring to my life.

I may not always be involved, in all the things you do.

But you being there, your consistent talking, is all so comforting.

I miss you, as I sit here by myself cause I fear the unknown

And I fear that they don’t like me, I fear the rejection

That I face every day.

And now when I sit here cause the company I keep

Has gone to their happiness…

And my heart is sad, not because you’re happy,

But because I’m not.

I wish I had the courage, the courage that

I envy in those that surround me every day.

Yet here I sit, because I am not fearless,

No I am scared still, just like I have always been.

I May Be One Day...?

I can’t always be there to hold your hand.

I never asked to grow up, I took these

Responsibilities of my own accord.

You may not believe I can do it…

But, I don’t even believe that I can stand

On my own two feet?

But remember I was the one who took

This blind, extremely blind leap of faith.

I truly believe that I will fall and not have

The strength to pull myself back up.

I have cried tears of anger and complete

And utter sadness.

I will try with all my might to not give into

Needing you…

Today I fell back into my old ways and I am

Not proud, and it scares me to not

Understand this tired heart of mine.

It scares me that you are not here.

This fear that I know I’m about to fall,

And I don’t know how to steady these feet

Of mine. I may look like I can handle this, but here’s

The thing…

I don’t know if I really can.

I guess I will continue to try and keep putting

One foot in front of the other, pretending

That I cam good enough for this and for you.

I doubt if I ever really will be, and I’m sorry if I can’t

Be.

I am trying hard to accept this life, this life

That holds bigger things than I truly believe I

Am capable of…?

Tomorrow

And in the end we're not all that different...

If I told you my every fear...

If I told you my every fear would you respect me?

If I told you my every fear would you disagree with me?

If I told you my every fear would you agree?

Would you tell me I have no reason to fear these things?

Would you tell me these are not legitimate fears?

Would you be mad at me for fearing these things?

Would you tell me to grow up?

Would you be mad at me if I told that I have given in to these fears?

Would you convince me to stop?

Would you call me a hypocrite?

Would you hate me for the things that I have done?

If I told you my every fear would you even care?

If I told you my every fear… would you even care?

I am

I AM

-John Clare

I am: yet what I am none cares or knows,
My friends forsake me like a memory lost;
I am the self-consumer of my woes,
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
Like shades in love and death's oblivion lost;
And yet I am! and live with shadows tost

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life nor joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;
And e'en the dearest--that I loved the best--
Are strange--nay, rather stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes where man has never trod;
A place where woman never smil'd or wept;
There to abide with my creator, God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept:
Untroubling and untroubled where I lie;
The grass below--above the vaulted sky.

One of the most beautiful poems, by a man who believed he lost everything because he could not find success. Little did he know it was sitting right there in front of him. And because he couldn't see that, he lost his family, his freedom of life... to live alone in a room with a window, a door, a sink, a toilet and a bed. We are all entitled to lose our sanity, but to willingly give it away means we are lost. Little did he know how beautiful his sanity was!!

Perfection

Perfection

Look at what you have done to me.

Look at how you’ve made me hate myself,

See myself as never good enough.

Put this unattainable image in my head,

Because I want to please you so badly.

I don’t know for the life of me why I do it?

I feel as if I hate myself, because in trying to be perfect for you,

I have lost myself.

I would have never done these things… Before now.

But now they are the first thing that I think of,

And now I have become a hypocrite.

And that makes me feel weak, because I

Cannot tell you what you have to done to me,

Or what I have done to myself.

But I can’t lose this perfect image in my head.

So all I see now is this downward spiral of me

Trying to attain that perfection, even after you’re gone.

The worst part is, I don’t want to do this.

But I can’t find it within myself to stop.

Because secretly trying to attain this perfection for you

Has become me, trying to attain this perfection for me.

Within the Frustration

My body is bruised, broken and bloody

I have blisters continually ripping open,

marley burns that are bleeding and

eyes that will barely stay open.

But there isn't one thing that I

would ever change.

I have spent the last week

sleeping in a hotel, sharing a bed and

a bathroom (with 4-5 other people).

I have laughed my head off by falling and

flying onto uncomfortable mattresses.

Taken midnight walks in the rain,

cried and even laughed from having

sore muscles worked out.

I have woken up in the middle of the night,

freaking out because I forgot Anna was sharing

a bed with me and I thought she was a stranger.

Been scared awake by my alarm,

slept very little.

I have been crammed in a room with 50-60

other dancers just dance with amazing teachers

But not have enough space to fully move.

I have been kicked, stepped on, smacked,

pushed and run over.

I have had to sit out because of my stupid back and foot.

But there is not a moment I would change.

I have been priveledged to share space with dancers

who I will prolly never see again but been blessed just

to see them move. I have been blessed to take

from teachers who have so much knowledge

it could fill the U.S.

I may have not always been able to move as much

or as big as a wanted to, but I have been

inspired beyond belief just to experience.

And I cannot wait to get back into the studio

to dance and to choreograph and to be filled

with the energy that I have spent the last week

sharing with those who share this great passion

that I cannot live without!!

When at first we were deceived

When at first we were decieved ,

we believed everything you had to say.

We believed you... well because you are you.

You've been there since the beginning. You held us when we were scared,

you picked us up when we fell, cleaned our cuts and dried our tears.

You taught us good values and hard work.

You made sure we were respectful to everyone we met.

You taught us not to steal and to work hard for what we wanted.

You spent hours outside in the hot sun, just so we could practice those things we wanted.

You played with us and supported us in our dreams.

You were there on our worst days and our bests.

You kept the bad guys away and taught us to be brave...

but where were you we needed you most? We are not perfect,

we are not always right, we are not always hard working or smart.

But you walked away with no goodbye.

You left us to be brave, when you knew we couldn't be.

You say you never meant for any harm to come to us,

but leaving us was harm in itself.

And you have caused harm to those I love

and as much as I love you, I choose them over you.

My life will go on without you,

Becasue I have learned to be brave on my own

and to teach myself and to stand alone.

When at first we were decieved, we were young,

but now we have grown and have learned,

learned not listen to anything you have to say.

I don't need the sun

I don’t need the sun

I got the urge to ask you, what you were doing”?

You said “flying a plane.

“hmmmm” I said, what color is it?

“yellow” you said

I thought it strange for you to be flying a yellow plane,

So I asked “why would you fly a yellow plane? What if we mistook it for the sun”?

“The sun”? you said

“yes”

“Well I guess because I could light up the sky at night”.

When I asked “why”?

You said “sometimes things are just happier, when the sun is out”

When I told you “I don’t like the sun”

You frowned and said “I’ll paint it grey and put little drop of blue on the side”

“why”?

“So that you can be happy when the sun is out”

“You’re the first one to believe, that I don’t need the sun to be happy”

“You’re welcome”

“But I didn’t say thank you”?

“You will when the sun is shining, and I bring you a little rain”

“Well thank you, in advance that is”.

I didn't mean to?

I didn’t mean to?

I didn’t mean to make you so angry

In fact I didn’t even know it was wrong.

I know it started long before I got here,

I’m sure it will outlast me if I’m gone?

I walked in, when the world walked out

I stood by your side, held your hand and watched you cry.

When I needed to scream and shout, I looked around

I realized that I am not you, so I kept my mouth shut.

I buried it deep inside, I pulled on a worn old mask

I put a smile on my face and swore I’d be ok.

Now you get angry because you ask and you ask

And I have no reply, because I spent all those years living inside.

Inside where I couldn’t feel.

But after years and years you’ve chipped down my walls

Now I can’t stand to even pretend that you are not the reason

The reason I decided to take it upon myself,

Because the brain can only focus on one pain at a time

And this takes me away from you.

And in that short time I don’t feel

I don’t feel that I am the reason this all went wrong.

One day I wont be here and where will you be,

What will you do once I’m gone?

A friend in my thoughts

A friend in my thoughts

My mind holds many things,

My thoughts, my fears, my memories with you.

I know that at times I can be difficult…

But never once did you walk away.

At times you may have been frustrated,

Wanted to quit listening or just tell me to shut up…

But you never have.

And for that I am most grateful,

Grateful for the laughs, the adventures

And even the jokes aimed at me.

There are not many I can say that have not given up on me.

Because I am not brave or strong or the prettiest, or

Even full of knowledge,

I have never found myself to be the best, at anything.

But you never gave up.

I have watched many walk out of my life,

Many I never imagined would…

I hope that time does not cause us to drift apart,

Because I am grateful for you

Grateful that God allowed me to have you in my life.

Because I am not the most dependable,

You can count on me to flake on you at some point.

But please don’t see that as me giving up on you.

I may not be brave, or strong, or the prettiest,

Or full of knowledge…

But I want you to know that I will always be here,

Here for you when you need me, to support you in all you do.

Because you see, to me you are more than just someone I know.

To me you are a friend; I would call you family…

But I’ve watched my family leave,

But you haven’t… you’ve seen me at my lowest

And you’ve seen me at my best.

And yet you have not left me.

So I will take these moments and keep them in my head

Every moment as a picture, tucked safely away

Where I can find them, long after we may have gone our separate ways.

But even when we do I hope to still call you my friend,

Because whenever you need me I will be there.

And I will come with our memories, those pictures stored in my head,

And I’ll cheer you up or give you a hand,

Just like you have always done for me when I was lost and needed you.

The Fight

The Fight

You used to be full of spit and vinegar

Never willing to give in, never letting others get you down

I use to see you as someone I wanted to be

I use to see you as capable of anything…

But here you are facing adversity,

And just giving into it, like there’s no fight left in you.

And while I still hope for you, it’s hard when you don’t

It’s like you just gave up on yourself

Letting the small things break you.

How am I suppose to learn to be strong

When all I see is the weakness you give into?

Will you ever be “you” again, the one never giving in?

Will you ever find the fight you once possessed?

Be the strength that could move mountains?

I hope that one day you will,

Because I need someone to look up to…

Because right now I face the adversity in you,

And it has brought me to my knees, knowing I can’t do it for you.

I hope that you find the strength in yourself, to be the

One who doesn’t crumble with the slightest touch?

I can’t do it by myself, and I’m sorry that I can’t do it for you.